Are You a Pastor Who Hurts People? Six Diagnostic Questions
I recently spoke on the phone with a friend. Let’s call him Tim.
Tim told me a sad story. He had served as an associate pastor for a senior pastor who had acted in seriously unethical ways, deeply hurting Tim and his family. He told me about the sobbing, the physical sickness due to stress, the loss of close friends, and eventually the decision to move away.
Tim reached out to me after he listened to a podcast in which my wife and I chatted about when a pastor hurts you. Tim wasn’t the only one who reached out to us. Since releasing the podcast, Christa and I have heard from several people who are reeling from the pain of a pastor’s bad decisions or self-centered behavior.
I wish it weren’t true, but it is: sometimes pastors hurt people.
As a pastor myself, I’m reminded of decisions I’ve made which were insensitive and hurtful. Of course, every relationship involves disagreements, disappointments, misunderstandings, and hurt. It’s not just a pastor thing. It’s a human thing.
A pastor’s character should never be judged by how “nice” he is. The apostle Paul himself recounts a “painful visit” he had with the Corinthian church. In a follow-up letter, he used pointed sarcasm (“Forgive me this wrong!”), and warned, “I am afraid that when I come I won’t like what I find, and you won’t like my response” (2 Cor. 12:20, NLT). Pastoral ministry can sting as well as soothe, especially since pastors are called to “reprove, rebuke, and exhort” (2 Tim. 4:2).
But this is not the kind of hurt I’m concerned about. I’m talking about the kind of hurt that a pastor inflicts when he acts in ways that fail to build up the body of Christ. In fact, I believe this is how most hurt happens: not when a pastor deliberately plots to make his people suffer, but when he occupies his heart with concerns and interests other than his personal relationship with Christ and the central task of caring for Christ’s flock.
Pastor, is it possible you’re hurting people? Here are some diagnostic questions to consider.
1. Am I Driven by a Concern to Prove Myself, My Church, or My Movement?
In my observation, pastors hurt people when they prioritize the prestige of their reputation, the growth of their church, or the robustness of their movement over the honor of Christ and the spiritual health of their members. Subtly, they begin promoting a particular church culture (whether traditional or casual, upbeat or somber), a certain ideological bent (whether conservative or progressive), or simply themselves.
Almost imperceptibly, the center of ministry gravity moves away from Jesus and toward something about ourselves, our church, or our movement.
If your weekly sermons are another opportunity for you to prove your homiletical skills (instead of feeding the flock), you will have a hard time accepting critical feedback from others. If you enjoy being known as a wise leader, you will have a hard time hearing that you made a flawed decision. If you’re passionate about fighting tooth and claw on the front line of doctrinal battles, you will have a hard time admitting any good in other movements that may not cross their t’s and dot their i’s like you do.
If your church is growing in number and vitality, you can become obsessed with continuing this growth and therefore justify words and actions based on what appears to be the net positive outcome. The validation can sound pious—“Just look at what God is doing!”—but the subtext is, “Look at what I’m doing!”
Alternatively, if your church is shrinking in numbers and vitality, you can easily become preoccupied with seeking to validate your decisions and persona, despite this lack of growth. “We might not be big,” you say, “but at least we’re doing things the right way.” Or, “Those other pastors might have a large following, but you won’t find a pastor who loves you more than I do.”
To be sure, a rapidly expanding or rapidly diminishing congregation are difficult waters for a pastor to navigate. But on this point, Paul provides the right example: “What we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’s sake” (2 Cor. 4:5).
2. Are There People Around Me Who Feel Free to Disagree with Me?
If you would answer “yes” to this question, you should probably also consider whether you can point to any specific examples in which you have submitted to the decision of others or changed course based on wise feedback, even when it wouldn’t have been your preference. If you’ve stifled dissent, you’re probably hurting people.
3. Do I Feel Intimidated by the Popularity of Other Staff Members or Fellow Pastors?
This question may help you gauge to what extent you are overly concerned to preach yourself or to simply preach Christ. On this point again, Paul is instructive because he weaves the thread between rejoicing anytime Christ is preached (Phil. 1:15–19) and being willing to call out popular preachers who were subverting the message and hurting the church (2 Cor. 11:5).
The point here is not that pastors should be willing, on the principle of self-abnegation, to cede influence to whomever is popular. In fact, he should be humble and courageous enough to rebuke the divisive tendency of people to rally around their “celebrity preacher.” Still, a pastor should rejoice in the ministry of anyone who can genuinely help the church along in Christlikeness. “I planted, Apollos watered,” Paul writes, “but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth” (1 Cor. 3:6–7).
4. Do I Dismiss Negative Feedback Based on the Person Giving the Feedback? Or Am I Willing to Acknowledge Truth Wherever It May Be Found?
We tend to gather people around us who share our goals and values. But some of the most insightful feedback can come from people who don’t care for us or our methods. Refusing to countenance feedback is an admission of bias and a reinforcement of blind spots.
As a general rule, we want to be influenced by people who are Spirit-filled, but God can use anyone to teach us. He used a donkey to rebuke Balaam. Couldn’t he use a disgruntled church member on her way out to tell you something you really need to know about your leadership style?
5. Am I Resentful of Members Who Leave My Church and of the Churches They Choose to Attend?
Let’s face it: it hurts to see church members leave. But with that hurt comes the danger of resentment festering. You not only feel sad that they are gone, but you also take it as a personal affront to your leadership, preaching, and maybe your whole person.
When that happens, your tendency might be to create a narrative about that person. You loved them, but they rejected you. Now they are on a bad path, and you must warn others of the path they are on.
It’s true that there are instances when church members leave because they’re persuaded by false ideas about you or the church. In these situations, you might need to warn others about the path that person has chosen. This happens and it’s right to feel sad about it. However, there are also valid reasons why someone might choose to join a different congregation. Regardless of the reasons they left, harboring resentment toward them is never justified.
When a pastor feels resentment over departing church members, he often hurts those who remain by trying to build higher walls around the church to keep people in. Instead of urging them not to leave Jesus, his real plea is that they don’t leave that particular church.
6. Am I Conscious of My Use of Pastoral Authority?
If you’re a millennial like me, or younger, then you might feel uncomfortable with the idea of pastoral authority. Maybe you’d even suggest it would be better to think less about it.
I have learned, however, that it is dangerous for pastors to be oblivious about the nature and weight of their authority. Miscalculating your pastoral authority is like driving a school bus as if it were a Honda Civic. Serious damage could be done.
The issue is not whether we have authority. We do. The issue is how we use that authority. Consider Paul’s example again: “I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority—the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down” (2 Cor. 13:10).
Here we learn that all authority derives from the Lord; no pastor has authority in and of himself. We also learn here that the purpose of authority is to „build you up, not tear you down.“ The goal is never to be „harsh.“ The only legitimate use of pastoral authority, therefore, is to edify the church, preferably with gentleness. Only in the face of stubbornness does Paul reluctantly resort to more forceful arguments. Yet even then, the ultimate aim remains consistent: their spiritual growth, as expressed in his letter to the Galatians, where he desires Christ to be formed within them (Gal. 4:19).
Caring for Christ’s Church
All pastors disappoint and even hurt people. There is only one perfect Shepherd who never disappoints. And yet, insofar as we are able as stewards of God’s authority, we should emulate his love and care for the flock.
