Discerning Between Godly and Worldly Grief

Abstract: Sam Crites offers three ways to help pastors distinguish between worldly grief and godly grief based on Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 7:10. Only godly grief produces true repentance, and such grief can be discerned by mourning over sin, not merely its consequences; a genuine desire for reconciliation, no matter the cost; and an earnest desire to please God, not the world. The fruit of godly grief usually becomes evident over time through ongoing repentance and faith in Christ.

Editor’s Note: This article is taken from Church Matters, the 9Marks journal for pastors, in the issue titled  Conversion.

I was discipled by a man named Steve Tucker. He was a simple man full of simple lessons, and one of those simple lessons has stuck with me: a true mark of genuine conversion and its effects is how willing someone is to repent of their sin.

However, genuine repentance is a tricky thing. When I catch my children doing something wrong, they are more than willing to “repent,” especially when punishment is imminent. They go from enjoying their wrongdoing to shedding tears. But it’s not always easy to tell if they are grieved over upsetting me or because they know there will be consequences for their actions.

Pastors have to make a similar determination when a member is confronted for their sin. Is this person shedding tears only because they were caught in sin, or are they truly repenting? Both kinds of grief can look the same, at least on the surface, but only one leads to life. Those who refuse to repent give evidence that they haven’t been converted.

So how can we tell the difference?

Three Marks of Godly Grief 

Since we cannot see the heart of a man, we must look at the fruit of his life—the marks of repentance that accompany genuine conversion. Heart change, not behavior modification, is always the aim. Therefore, we must discern the external evidences of the Spirit’s internal work.

This is where Paul’s words to the Corinthians can help us out. He says, “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Cor. 7:10). Notice that genuine repentance is produced by “godly grief.” Allow me, then, to put forward three marks of repentance from 2 Corinthians 7 that are evidence of godly grief. This list is not meant to be exhaustive but merely a helpful tool for discerning true repentance and, therefore, genuine conversion.

1. Godly Grief Leads to Mourning over Sin, Not Simply Its Consequences

In 2 Corinthians 7, Paul describes how restless and anxious he was as he awaited the Corinthians’ response to his previous letter. But when Titus came, Paul was comforted because his report brought news of the grief of the Corinthians—not grief over the harshness of Paul’s letter but grief over their own sin.

We’re reminded that godly grief is first and foremost a response to sin and not merely its consequences. David says to God in Psalm 51:4, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.” How could David be so insensitive? What about Uriah and Bathsheba? Or the child who died?

David was aware of how the consequences of his sin affected others, but he felt greater anguish in his heart over how he had offended the Lord. And this should be true for all who repent: they should care most about how their sin has offended their Lord. This is the fruit of understanding the gospel, as the sufferings of Christ on the cross were the payment due for our sin.

On the other hand, a preoccupation with the sin of others, a tendency to shift the blame to someone else, or grief that is only short-lived—all these are indications that an individual is not mourning because they have offended the Lord, but instead because of the consequences of their sin.

2. Godly Grief Leads to a Genuine Desire for Reconciliation, No Matter the Cost

The Corinthians were grieved that their sin had ruptured their relationship with Paul. Paul says that Titus reported “your longing, your mourning, your zeal for me” (2 Cor. 7:7). Their godly grief was evidenced by their strong desire to be reconciled.

It is particularly encouraging when someone repents without having to be rebuked by others. However, this is not always how the Spirit works, as the Corinthians were grieved by a letter from Paul (v. 8).1 When someone is confronted about their sin, it may initially be difficult to discern whether there is godly grief. However, a good indication of the Spirit’s work is the willingness of the individual to do the long and hard work of reconciliation. Often the time needed for reconciliation is proportionate to the severity of the sin and the damage it has caused to the trust between two parties.

While genuine trust is often mended at great cost, it’s important to recognize that the effort required for reconciliation is not an attempt to earn God’s forgiveness. John tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). However, when dealing with other people, reconciliation often takes hard work and patience.

3. Godly Grief Produces an Earnest Desire to Please God, Not the World

When Paul received a report about the Corinthians’ repentance, he was jubilant over their heart posture:

For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter. (2 Cor. 7:11)

“Earnestness” is not the way we typically describe repentance, but given the way the Corinthians had treated Paul, it is an enlightening descriptor. The Corinthians were eager to clear themselves, indignant at the sin that was found among them, alarmed at the gravity of the situation, longing to see it rectified, willing to do whatever was necessary, and desirous to see justice done. In short, their grief produced an earnest desire to please God and not the world.

On the other hand, when grief is worldly, it is typically short-lived and primarily concerned with “checking the box” in the reconciliation process. It often wants to please those who are leading the process, which leads to superficial and temporary behavior change, not abiding heart change. Other indications that someone may not be earnest in their desire to please God include: antagonism toward the process or those leading it, using worldly therapeutic categories instead of the biblical categories of sin and repentance, and taking a works-based approach that cares little for the issues of the heart. This kind of “grief” essentially ignores God.

Conclusion 

When it comes to identifying true repentance and, therefore, genuine conversion, the stakes could not be higher. Discerning whether someone’s grief is godly or worldly can be a matter of (spiritual) life and death: godly grief leads to salvation and freedom, while worldly grief leads to continued enslavement to sin. Time and patience are required because the tears often look the same.

While we should address these matters in our preaching, we cannot simply do this from the pulpit. We must be among our people, discipling and counseling them as we use the gospel to bind their wounds and heal their sicknesses (Ezek. 34). At the same time, we must remember that repentance and faith are God’s work. As the New Hampshire Confession of Faith says, “We believe that repentance and faith are sacred duties and also inseparable graces, wrought in our souls by the regenerating Spirit of God.”^{11 .}The New Hampshire Confession of Faith can be accessed at https://alliancenet.org/creeds-confessions-and-catechisms/the-new-hampshire-confession-of-faith/.

Ultimately, we can know repentance is genuine when grief over sin leads someone to turn from the sin and cling to Christ in faith.