Eight Enemies of Pastoral Friendship
September 29, 2026
September 29, 2026
Abstract: Dave Kiehn argues for the importance of friendship for pastors while noting eight different “enemies” that can easily get in the way. These enemies, or obstacles, to pastoral friendships include things like pride, busyness, insecurity, and other issues related to the pastor’s heart and habits. Far from being luxuries, friendships are one of the means God uses to sustain pastors in their work.
Pastoral ministry is often described as lonely, but, for most, it doesn’t need to be. From the opening pages of Scripture, God declares that it is not good for man to be alone. Throughout redemptive history, the Lord strengthened his servants through faithful companions. Moses had Joshua. David had Jonathan. Paul had Barnabas, Silas, Timothy, Titus, Luke, and many other fellow laborers. Even our Lord surrounded himself with the Twelve and enjoyed a uniquely close friendship with Peter, James, and John.
The church has long recognized the necessity of Christian friendship. Few, though, have captured the beauty of it better than J. C. Ryle:
A friend is one of the greatest blessings on earth. Tell me not of money—affection is better than gold; sympathy is better than lands. He is the poor man who has no friends. This world is full of sorrow because it is full of sin. It is a dark place. It is a lonely place. It is a disappointing place. The brightest sunbeam in it is a friend. Friendship halves our troubles and doubles our joys.11 .J. C. Ryle, Practical Religion: Being Plain Papers on the Daily Duties, Experience, Dangers, and Privileges of Professing Christians (Baker Book House, n.d.), 336.
Many others have echoed Ryle’s celebration of the blessing of friendship. C. S. Lewis famously observed, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”22 .C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (Geoffrey Bles, 1960), 65. Charles Spurgeon added, “Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend.”33 .Charles H. Spurgeon, “The Friend of God,” in The Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit, vol. 33 (Passmore & Alabaster, 1887), sermon no. 1938. John Owen reminded us that Christ himself calls us his friends,44 .John Owen, Of Communion with God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (1657). and Tim Keller observed that the entire history of redemption can be viewed as one great act of divine friendship.55 .Timothy Keller, “Friendship” (sermon, Redeemer Presbyterian Church, May 29, 2005), Gospel in Life, https://gospelinlife.com/sermon/friendship-2/.
Yet if friendship is such a gift, why do so many pastors struggle to cultivate deep, lasting relationships? Sometimes it’s because of a lack of opportunity, though this seems rarer. More often, friendship is lost to enemies in our own hearts and habits. There are definitely more, but here are eight such enemies of friendship to be on the lookout for.
One of the greatest threats to pastoral friendship, as with any kind of friendship, is pride. Pride whispers to us that mature pastors should be self-sufficient. It convinces us that asking for help is weakness and that admitting struggles will diminish our leadership.
Scripture tells a different story. “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Prov. 16:18). James reminds us that “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (Jas. 4:6). Peter illustrates this danger vividly. Jesus had told him and the other disciples that they would fall away, yet Peter confidently declared, “Even though they all fall away, I will not” (Mark 14:29). Within hours he denied Christ three times.
Pride convinces us we are strong enough to stand alone. Humility invites other brothers to speak into our lives before we stumble and fall. The tallest tree is often the first to break when the storm comes. Likewise, pastors who refuse the shelter of faithful friendships often discover their weakness only after the winds begin to blow.
Few people are busier than pastors. Sermon preparation, counseling, meetings, administration, hospital visits, weddings, funerals, crises, and family responsibilities—these things can consume every waking hour.
But ministry activity shouldn’t crowd out a means God intends to use to sustain us. Like Martha, we may need Jesus’s correction: “You are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary” (Luke 10:41–42). Likewise, Jethro warned Moses, “What you are doing is not good. . . . You are not able to do it alone” (Exod. 18:17–18).
Busyness often feels productive, but it can become an excuse for neglecting important relationships. A woodcutter who never stops to sharpen his axe eventually works twice as hard while accomplishing half as much. Friendship sharpens pastors for the work God has called them to do.
Many pastors secretly fear being fully known. We worry that honesty about discouragement, temptation, exhaustion, or failure might diminish our credibility. That instinct is as old as Eden.
After Adam and Eve sinned, “they hid themselves from the presence of the Lord” (Gen. 3:8). Sin drives us into hiding, but the gospel calls us into the light. As believers, our identity is no longer built upon people’s approval of us but upon God’s acceptance through Christ (Gal. 1:10).
Mold grows best in darkness. But it dies when exposed to light. The same is true for many of the struggles pastors face. Honest friendships are where grace replaces shame and truth overcomes fear.
We have never had more ways to communicate. Text messages, group chats, podcasts, social media, video calls, and email allow pastors to stay constantly connected. Yet many of us have never felt more isolated.
The New Testament consistently points us toward embodied fellowship. The author of Hebrews urges believers not to neglect meeting together (Heb. 10:24–25). And the apostle John says that instead of communicating through pen and ink, he longs to speak with these brothers and sisters in Christ “face to face” because such fellowship completes his joy (2 John 12; 3 John 13–14). Even the risen Christ walked alongside two discouraged disciples on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:15).
A photograph of a meal cannot satisfy hunger. Likewise, digital interaction cannot fully replace the encouragement found around a dinner table, during a long walk, or over an unhurried cup of coffee.
Ministry can quietly become competitive. Attendance, baptisms, budgets, buildings, podcasts, conferences, and social media can tempt us to compare ourselves with others.
We desperately need to hear Paul’s command: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3). Jonathan beautifully modeled this spirit. Although David’s rise meant that Jonathan would never inherit the throne, Jonathan gladly strengthened and honored David, even giving him his robe, armor, sword, bow, and belt (1 Sam. 18:3–4). Jonathan rejoiced in God’s blessing on another man instead of viewing him as a threat. Likewise, other pastors are not competitors. They are teammates laboring for the same King.
Two oxen yoked together can pull what neither could move alone. The kingdom is best served when pastors celebrate one another rather than compete with each other.
Many pastors have experienced betrayal. A trusted elder leaves. A close friend disappoints. A ministry partner walks away. The church wounds its shepherd. And the temptation is understandable: never be vulnerable again.
Yet Scripture never presents self-protection as the path to flourishing. “Two are better than one. . . . For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow” (Eccl. 4:9–10). When Saul was converted, the believers in Jerusalem understandably feared him. It was Barnabas who courageously stepped forward, embraced him, and introduced him to the apostles (Acts 9:26–27).
Friendship always involves risk. But refusing to trust guarantees loneliness. A farmer who never plants because he fears failure will never enjoy a harvest. Likewise, pastors unwilling to risk friendship will never experience its rich rewards.
Pastoral ministry carries unique burdens. Because of this, many pastors start to believe that no one truly understands what it’s like to be a pastor.
Paul certainly knew loneliness. Near the end of his life he wrote, “Do your best to come to me soon. . . . Luke alone is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is very useful to me for ministry” (2 Tim. 4:9–11). Even the great apostle longed for the companionship of trusted friends.
Earlier, while imprisoned in Philippi, Paul and Silas worshiped together at midnight (Acts 16:25). Their shared faith surely strengthened them in suffering. God often sustains weary shepherds through faithful companions.
A coal removed from the fire quickly grows cold. The same is true of pastors who slowly drift away from meaningful relationships with fellow elders and friends in ministry
Perhaps the greatest myth about friendship is that it develops accidentally. Deep friendships rarely form without effort. They are cultivated over years through shared meals, honest conversations, mutual encouragement, prayer, and faithful presence
Proverbs reminds us, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). Jonathan did not merely appreciate David from a distance. Scripture says he “rose and went to David . . . and strengthened his hand in God” (1 Sam. 23:16). He pursued his friend. Friendship requires initiative.
A well is dug one shovel at a time. Likewise, lifelong friendships are built one conversation, one shared meal, one phone call, one prayer, and one visit at a time. Someone has to make the first move. Why shouldn’t it be you?
Fellow pastor, which of these eight enemies most threatens your friendships? Whatever the obstacle, remember that friendship is not a luxury for pastors. It is one of God’s ordinary means of sustaining us for long-term ministry.
The Lord rarely intends his servants to endure the joys and burdens of shepherding alone. So call a fellow pastor. Invite another elder to lunch. Take a brother to get coffee. Pray together. Confess sin. Laugh often. Bear one another’s burdens. You may discover that one of God’s greatest gifts for your joy and endurance in ministry has been across the table all along.