The Surprising Importance of “Shallow” Christian Friendships

Abstract: Danny D’Acquisto emphasizes the value of all relationships within the church, including those that are less intimate. While we cannot know every member at a deep personal level, the fact that all members belong to Christ and have committed to carrying out the church’s responsibilities and mission together means that every relationship is worthwhile and spiritually significant.

Dee and I were not particularly close friends in high school. He never came to my house; I never went to his. I never met his parents; he never met mine. Some may have described our friendship as “shallow,” not because there was anything wrong with our friendship, per se. It could have become deeper and more personal. It just never did. And yet, Dee and I shared a special bond for one specific reason: we played football together. Dee was a large, ominous-looking middle linebacker—the kind of guy you would much rather have on your team. To this day, I picture him on the other side of a huddle, tired and sweaty, with a level-headed determination in his eyes. “Let’s go get these guys.” I haven’t seen Dee in years, but if I did, I imagine we would still share this same bond. Not because we enjoyed a particularly deep friendship, but because we worked hard and fought together toward a common goal.

Many of our relationships in the church (maybe even most of them) tend to work in the same way. Most of us will only enjoy deep, intimate friendships with a few people. The rest of our relationships will look much more like my relationship with Dee. We may know each other by name and face; we may have a few brief conversations from time to time; and we may regularly share a common experience that matters to both of us.

But we never go especially “deep.” And that’s okay.

In fact, these less-personal friendships—let’s call them church acquaintances—are vital to the health of our churches and the advance of the gospel.

Our Aversion to Church Acquaintances 

Several years ago, I helped to plant the church I now pastor. We have always emphasized “meaningful membership”—the importance of publicly professing our faith in Christ and making a conscious commitment to follow him together. Early on, the church was so small that all the members knew each other personally. In those early years, the spiritual significance of our membership seemed obvious and tangible to everyone. Every new member stood up and shared a five-minute testimony with the congregation. We hosted church-wide events in people’s homes. It was a special time! But as the church grew beyond a certain point, some began to raise an important question: Is our membership truly meaningful anymore?

It took me a while to understand this concern. Our theology had not changed, nor had our philosophy of ministry. But some had associated the meaningfulness of our membership with the ability to know each member personally, and that was no longer possible. In turn, the idea of forming less-personal friendships with a wider range of people felt like compromising—like settling for a less meaningful kind of fellowship. Some felt they were struggling to keep up as they tried to form deep friendships with every new member, while also maintaining the ones they were already invested in.

In short, our value for deep Christian friendships led some to resist the simpler, less-personal ones.

There are many different reasons we might have this aversion to church acquaintances. But in hindsight, it seems like this mentality is downstream of our modern-day individualism and the longing for “authenticity.” We tend to measure relational health in terms of disclosure. The more we are free (and expected) to share our hearts with people we trust, the healthier we assume that friendship must be. In turn, we tend to be suspicious of relationships in which we are not expected or invited to “bear it all.” We feel as if we must pretend or hide who we truly are to play by the rules of these friendships. So, we often do not value them; we avoid them; and we neglect the necessary skills to cultivate and multiply them within our churches.

“And good riddance,” we may even think. “I don’t need those shallow friendships. Who does?”

Meanwhile, our churches suffer. Because these less-personal friendships often lead to (or at least create the necessary conditions for) the deeper and more personal ones we all long for. Not to mention, these church acquaintances are also incredibly valuable in and of themselves.

Why Church Acquaintances Really Matter 

Picture a few thousand people gathered together in Solomon’s Portico (Acts 5:12), the outermost courtyard of the temple in Jerusalem, and the only area Gentiles were allowed to enter. Picture this assembly, filled with a strange mix of people—Gentiles and Jews, rich and poor, locals, foreigners, men, women, and children—all gathered in one place to declare that Jesus is the King of all creation. 

It was not the emotional depth of each person’s relationship that made this gathering so powerful. They did not all know the daily routines, life stories, ambitions, and fears of every person present. But they all knew the crucified, now-resurrected Christ. And they had chosen to gather there, in the outermost courtyard of this ancient temple, to declare that God was now building them into a new and living temple by faith in Christ (Eph. 2:21–22, 1 Pet. 2:4–5). God tore the curtain in two; he would no longer stay at a distance from his people. Now he would dwell with congregations like this and, through them, fill the earth with his glory (Eph. 1:7–10, 22–23). This is why our churches gather still to this day.

In other words, our membership is not just meaningful because we know each member. Our membership is meaningful because each member knows Christ and is being formed into his image together. Our lives are linked, not just by a subjective sense that we “feel connected,” but by the body and the blood of Jesus.

These days, we are quick to ask, “What is best for each individual Christian?” And without a doubt, from that vantage point, deep discipling relationships are most helpful. But too often, we never get around to asking, “What is best for our entire congregation?” From that vantage point, church acquaintances are absolutely essential. If we value and cultivate them, then our churches become like an interconnected web of relationships. The people who are acquaintances of ours will be other members’ closest discipling relationships, and vice versa. All of us will share the bond of fellowship. But if we do not value and cultivate these acquaintances, it can lead to a culture that is intimidating and hard to break into for anyone new. Visitors will walk into our churches and sense, “Wow! These people all really know and care for one another. But I’m not so sure there is any place for me in all of this.” Of course, none of us will want them to feel this way. But if they have to form deep, meaningful friendships to start feeling like part of the team at all, then chances are, many never will. If we want our entire congregation to thrive—not just the most connected members within it—then we need our members to value church acquaintances.

How to Help our Members Value Church Acquaintances 

By God’s grace, our congregation is starting to mature beyond these growing pains. The brothers and sisters with these understandable barriers have largely embraced the beauty of church acquaintances (while also maintaining their deeper discipling relationships). Here are four things that have helped us to create a culture that also values church acquaintances:

1. Preach on the Spiritual Significance of Being a Congregation 

As pastors and elders, we are always preaching to our entire congregation—that is, to all the members together. This means that we should regularly apply the truths of Scripture to a wide variety of relationships within our churches, including church acquaintances. For example, encourage your members to consider the other people in the room and what this week’s passage means for their relationships with all of them.

By regularly speaking to these church acquaintances from the pulpit, we can both reinforce their importance and give people the eyes to see their spiritual significance. Jesus has a team. To be a member of the church is to be on that team. And regardless of how well we know every other team member, we are all wearing the same jersey and working towards the same goal. That matters. Let’s preach to the whole team as if it is a team, not just to the individual players.

2. Honor the Role and Responsibilities That the Entire Congregation Shares 

A special bond is often formed between those who do important things together. As members of a church, we share some very important responsibilities. For example, entire congregations are expected to gather regularly (Heb. 10:25), welcome and remove members (Matt. 18:15–20), appoint leaders (Acts 6:3), submit to those leaders (Heb. 13:17), give sacrificially (2 Cor. 8–9), and send church planters and missionaries (Acts 13:1–3). Sharing these responsibilities can have the effect of forming bonds between each member, regardless of how well they know one another personally.

The reverse is also true. If a congregation has no role to play together, no responsibilities—no collective purpose other than to show up to the same services—that will make it difficult to cultivate a sense of connection between members who are not close personal friends. They will feel like members of a team that never practices or plays together. By honoring the role and responsibilities of the entire congregation, we train each member to think, “I may not know Amanda very well, but we do share the spiritual responsibility of binding and loosing people in Jesus’s name.” Or, “I may not be close friends with Tray, but we both give our hard-earned money to help this church make disciples.” That matters. Let’s shine a spotlight on the important work that every member of our church does together.

3. Show Hospitality to Newcomers and Those Who Have Recently Joined the Church 

In Ephesians 4, Paul tells us that the leaders of a church are responsible for “equipping the saints for the works of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ” (4:12–13). Elders play an important role in cultivating all kinds of relationships in our churches, including church acquaintances. If we do not value them, then our congregations won’t either. (This is likely why being “hospitable”—that is, demonstrating care and concern for strangers—is a qualification for eldership.) For the “hands” to value the “arms” in your church, they are going to need a good wrist. For the “feet” to care about the “legs,” they are going to need a good ankle. Like a good coach, let’s value the whole team by valuing each member of the team ourselves. Don’t just spend time with the members you know (or like) the best. Carve out space in your family’s weekly and monthly rhythms to spend time with visitors and new members. Better yet, bring a few long-standing members along with you so they can begin forming these same kinds of bonds—and possibly even deeper ones.

4. Wait 

Like deep friendships, developing healthy church acquaintances can take time—especially after a prolonged season of growth or change in your church. Keep preaching, keep doing important work together, keep getting to know people. Then wait for the Lord to knit all of you together. Remember, this is ultimately a spiritual work that only he can do.

Conclusion 

Praise God for deep discipling relationships. We all need them! But let’s not undervalue the casual acquaintances we have in the church. Ironically, in doing so, we can undercut a culture of disciple-making and miss out on the beauty of our spiritual connection with each member. We may not all be close friends, but as members of the same church, we are in the same huddle. And that matters.