Walking with an Unseen Limp: God’s Enduring Faithfulness in the Private Pain of a Pastor’s Wife
May 14, 2026
May 14, 2026
Abstract: Katie Decker is a pastor’s wife who offers encouraging exhortations to other pastors’ wives based on the truths of Scripture and her own struggles during difficult seasons of ministry. She points pastors’ wives to God’s grace and faithfulness, and she reminds them of Christ’s love for the church despite its sins and weaknesses.
For fifteen years I have held a position that doesn’t have an official title, a job description, or a definitive role. I’m a pastor’s wife. I’ve found being alongside my husband in ministry to be simultaneously a beautiful privilege and an incredible burden.
My husband began formal ministry at twenty-three years old, just months before we were married. We had big dreams for how the Lord might use our family, but none of those dreams included a long journey through the school of suffering. We never wanted a megachurch. We thought ministry would look a lot more like committing to an ordinary means of grace ministry and then trying to be faithful for a long time. The Lord had other plans.
Of course, we wept with friends in ministry who told stories of the deep sorrow caused by persistent, unrepentant sin among church members, but in our naivety, we thought the Lord would tell a different story through us.
Fast forward ten years, and it felt like ministry was out to get us. All those stories we’d heard from others were becoming our reality. I watched as my fun-loving, tenderhearted husband grew exhausted and took on a solemn look of defeat. I spent hours praying for the Lord to sustain us in those hard days. During every sermon he preached, I prayed for clear thinking, clear communication, and Spirit-filled encouragement, despite the sleepless nights. And I watched in awe as God continued to give my husband favor in the pulpit. But I also watched as his shoulders were visibly saddled with the overwhelming weight of ministry as he made his way back to the pew after each sermon. We were sinking together under the burden.
As God always does, he used that season in our lives to sanctify and teach us. He sustained our marriage, our children, and our souls, even when it felt like the sea of suffering was crashing in on us. But when we finally packed up our house and moved to a new area, it took years for me to see how truly broken I was.
On our last Sunday at that little church, I wept as the congregation around me sang, “When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, ‘It is well, it is well with my soul.’” I wept for the agony we had endured, for the sin we had seen, for the dreams that were dying before my eyes. I wept for my own loss of sweet friends I would no longer worship alongside weekly; for the beauty of what God had accomplished in the lives of these precious ones through his Word; and for the many wonderful saints who ached at our departure. I didn’t understand why we had to walk away from our dreams of a healthy church in this city; I didn’t understand why we had to say goodbye.
I had long been learning in this school of suffering, and I felt like I was ready to graduate.
Because our God is so incredibly faithful, he continues to teach me through the painful process of healing. He is too good to waste even an ounce of our suffering. Like Jacob, who wrestled with the Lord, I have begged of him a blessing through the pain, and I have gleaned more than I could have asked for or imagined. But I now walk with a limp.
The beauty and pain of being a pastor’s wife is wrapped up in the fact that this role isn’t actually an office in the church. It comes with a myriad of blessings, like getting to know much of what is happening among the Lord’s people. As Erin Wheeler put it, “I treasure these things in my heart like Mary.”11 .Erin Wheeler, “The Privilege and Power of a Praying Pastor’s Wife,” 9Marks, https://www.9marks.org/article/the-privilege-and-power-of-a-praying-pastors-wife/.
But this “job” also comes with unique, and often unseen, sorrows. The limp I walk with comes from hours on my knees. Yet, even in the pain, I have received more of God himself. When the sorrow has weighed heaviest, I have been most keenly aware of Christ’s strong arm sustaining me. When the ugly words that spewed from the saints were harshest, I saw more sweetly the beauty of my Savior’s gentle call to “come.” When kind encouragement came like water in a parched land, I felt keenly the embrace of Jesus through the welcome of his people. Now I consider my husband’s calling a joy, because my Lord has gently been applying balm to my soul through the Word and the fellowship of the saints.
If you are a pastor’s wife walking through a difficult season, hear this: God sees, knows, and cares. Your unseen limp is seen by him. As you beg him for a blessing in your own life, consider the encouragements.
There is nothing like pain to make you seek a doctor. There is nothing like sorrow to send you to the Great Physician. This is why you can, with James, “count it all joy” when you fall into “trials of various kinds” (Jas. 1:2). God can reveal his kindness and faithfulness to you in ways you have yet to imagine. Sorrows can become joys as you walk with the Savior.
You are a wretched sinner in need of a great Savior. But there is good news! In Christ, that is exactly what you have. Jesus has borne your sin and shame and extended to you, through faith, the only real solution to your eternal problem. You have a great Savior, and in him you are chosen, beloved, adopted, redeemed, rescued, and justified. You don’t need the approval of others—because you have his! I recall Rico Tice once saying:
When we know we are children of God, we don’t fear the rejection of others—we’re loved by our Creator! We don’t fear their mockery—the Maker of the cosmos thinks well of us! We don’t fear the withholding of a favor or a promotion or anything else—we’re heading to glory in heaven.22 .Rico Tice, “Who Are You?” The Good Book Company, https://www.thegoodbook.com/blog/interestingthoughts/2015/03/31/who-are-you/?srsltid=AfmBOoqF9oZ7o5mvomqVW1_xrIOdytI2OleEDTEkTkgT9H-dud5ndE1S.
So when someone says that you or your husband are rotten, you can say with joy, “We are! But we have a glorious Savior, and I’d love to talk with you about him.”
Find one or two trusted sisters and share with them the whole truth. Tell them the pain you’re feeling. Tell them when it’s hard for you to love others. Tell them when you’re straying from regular time in the Word and prayer because of discouragement or busyness. Pursue honesty even when it means you just weep. If this feels impossible in your own local church right now, ask a pastor’s wife from another church to grab coffee. She’ll likely understand and could probably use the same encouragement.
When Paul gives us the instruction to “not grow weary of doing good” (Gal. 6:9), he doesn’t give any exceptions. Instead, he tells us to favor those who are of the “household of faith” (v. 10). But what about when the household of faith is causing your pain? There is wisdom in establishing boundaries for certain circumstances and that should be done prayerfully and with counsel from others. But Paul’s admonition remains. We are called to do good to fellow Christians whenever we have an opportunity and to never grow weary in this task.
I wish I could say I’ve done this perfectly, but I am not Jesus, and I’ve failed here more than I’ve succeeded. But if it was always easy to do good, then we wouldn’t need the reminder to not grow weary. At times, people will assume that you have poor motives, or they will gossip about some little detail you’ve forgotten. Sometimes they will simply be unmoved by your kindness. Do good anyway. God has commanded it, and he only commands what is good.
We naturally try to stay away from the things that hurt us. When other Christians cause us pain, we can be tempted to think, I love Jesus, I just don’t want anything to do with the church. But Jesus is not a brideless groom. His bride is the church, and he has called every believer to be a part of her and to fiercely love her because he loves her.
The church is made up of sinners this side of heaven. You will hurt others, and others will hurt you. Therefore, meditate on the beauty of Christ’s unrelenting faithfulness to a bride who often gives herself to other lovers, and see yourself in that picture. Then have that same compassion for his people. Don’t give up on the church. Jesus hasn’t, and he has been with her much longer than you have.
Jesus loves you and he will not leave you. He sees your pain, and he works through sorrow to reveal himself in the midst of the storm. He may not immediately stop the waves of sorrow from crashing in, but he will be a safe place to hide as they roll over you. Draw near to him. Meditate on his Word. Learn his heart. Seek him diligently.
The pain of a pastor’s wife is often as unseen as her work. And yet, God is faithful. He only wounds in order to bring about a greater healing. He is too good and too faithful to allow your suffering to be fruitless.