Caring for Aging Parents

Abstract: Brian Parks reminds us that pastors, like every other church member, have a responsibility to care for aging parents. This is an important way that we honor our father and mother, and it’s a great example to set for other elders and church members. Parks suggests various ways we can care well for parents who are aging and facing physical, mental, and emotional challenges. 

“Dad’s in the hospital again.” 

My sister’s text message was waiting for me when I woke. And so began the all-too-familiar calls and texts between us to find out what had happened. How serious is it? Do they need me to come? How’s mom doing? Fortunately, it was a minor issue that only required a brief hospital stay. But being in their late 80s, I knew that it could happen again at any moment, or that an even worse health crisis could befall them. 

Every pastor’s parents are getting older and closer to the day when they will stand before the Lord. News flash—we’re all getting closer to that same day. My parents are aging and in need of care and attention. To complicate matters further, I live eight thousand miles away. But many of the dynamics of caring for our parents as they age are the same regardless of how far we live from them. 

How should a pastor think about the needs of his parents as they age? What’s unique about a pastor’s role in caring for his aging parents? If you’re a pastor, you’re a shepherd of the souls of your church members, and you’ve likely spent time praying and sharing God’s comforting words from Scripture at numerous hospital bedsides. But shepherding carries more emotional weight when the person you’re ministering to is your mom or dad. 

The Scriptures exhort us to honor our parents from childhood, and this task lasts until they meet the Lord (Ex. 20:12). It’s often been noted that this is the only one of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise, highlighting for us its importance. Paul’s instruction to Timothy regarding widows is informed by our responsibility to parents when they enter a season of vulnerability. 

Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. (1 Tim. 5:3–4) 

The children of vulnerable parents have an even greater responsibility to care for their parents than their church does. David protected his parents when King Saul sought his life. Knowing that Saul would set out to do them harm, David escorted his parents to safe harbor with the king of Moab (the ancestral home of his grandmother Ruth) before seeking refuge himself (1 Sam. 22:3–4). And surely the household management of an elder (1 Tim. 3:1–7) could be understood to include caring for the needs of parents as they age. Even as Jesus hung on the cross, he directed John to care for his mother Mary (John 19:26–27). Caring for our parents as best we can until they die is a fundamental duty of all Christians. 

Here are three ways a pastor can care for his aging parents well. 

Initiate Loving Communication 

I don’t know many aging parents whose spirits wouldn’t be lifted by a call or visit from their son. Your initiative in talking to them will communicate concern, even if the conversations are brief. When we moved to Dubai 23 years ago, it became much more difficult for our parents to reach out to us. I grew frustrated with their lack of initiative. Eventually, I realized that the responsibility was primarily mine. To make communication easier for them, we purchased video calling devices that didn’t require much technical know-how and installed them in their home. As they’ve approached their nineties, we’ve also become convicted that we need to travel back to see them several times a year, when possible. 

Even though we’re pastors, sometimes our relationship with our parents is strained. Some aren’t Christians and disagree with our calling. Others might struggle with mental illness. One pastor friend found himself shying away from spending time with his parents, even though they lived in the same city, because their relationship was fraught with tension. A fellow pastor urged him to make time for his parents a priority, even though it was challenging. 

Your situation may not require telecommunication installations or warrant as many transatlantic flights as we take to see our parents. But the necessity of initiating loving communication with them is well-founded because it’s based on the Lord’s loving initiative with us. “God so loved the world” that he took the initiative and “gave his only Son” without us asking for him (John 3:16). Love initiates. 

Consider Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Needs 

As our parents’ bodies age, they will inevitably begin to break down. Doctor visits increase, as does the possibility of falls or other crises. During one visit to Dubai, my father fell at the base of our staircase and broke his hip. Having a hip replacement in a foreign country was a particularly stressful experience for him and required a lot of care from us. Even now, he is being treated for his third different kind of cancer. Our weekly check-ins often begin with “How are you feeling today?” 

One way to love our parents is to ensure that they’re getting adequate healthcare. A pastor friend shared that his mother is in her 90s and has recently been diagnosed with cancer throughout her body. He needed to be involved in the difficult decision of whether to proceed with treatment or not. The decision to undergo pricey and painful treatments is often influenced by the extent to which life can be extended. 

We might face difficult vocational decisions if our parents’ health becomes a crisis. One pastor who could have easily taken a senior role in an available distant pulpit instead took a temporary junior training role in the city where his father-in-law was battling the latter stages of Alzheimer’s. He and his wife took care of him until he died. His sacrificial example is a powerful picture of Christlike love. 

We should also monitor our parents’ social-emotional well-being. During the COVID-19 pandemic, many older parents felt isolated and fearful. They went months with little social contact. When the pandemic waned, we were able to persuade my parents to move into a retirement community where their church friends lived. Since then, the daily contact with others has been uplifting. 

As pastors, we want to look out for our parents’ spiritual well-being most of all. If your parents are believers, don’t forget to pray for them or open God’s Word with them like you would with any church member in a similar situation. Helping them find a way to attend church if they’re physically able could also be a way to serve them. For parents who aren’t believers, we continue to pray, ask questions, and share the gospel as the relationship permits. 

Model Care 

Paul told the Corinthians to “be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). Your siblings and children are watching how you care for your parents. Your congregation and fellow elders are observing how you care for them. What will they learn from your example? 

Is there time in your elder meetings to share personal concerns and prayer requests, like the challenges you might be facing in caring for aging parents? Maybe it’s just a few elders that you’re closer to who need to know more. Or maybe there’s a time and place where you could tell your congregation of your need for prayer in looking after your parents. Our church covenant says we will “endeavor with tenderness and sympathy to bear each other’s burdens and sorrows.” Be sure to allow your congregation to fulfill their covenant commitments to you in this regard. 

By God’s grace, my grown children are believers, and as I’ve gently urged them to pray for and visit their grandparents, they’ve often responded sacrificially. I realize that their efforts are not only a blessing to them now, but also practice for when my wife and I might need their attention in the coming decades. 

Making Some Return 

Pastors daily feel the responsibility of shepherding the souls of their congregation. The apostle Paul felt it and wrote, “Apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches” (2 Cor. 11:28). But you and I must not let one God-given responsibility distract us from another: caring for our families, and even our aging parents. May God enable us to “make some return” to our parents, and so bring glory and honor to him.^{11 .}For further reading, I highly recommend the book Making Good Return: Biblical Wisdom on Honoring Aging Parents by Kathleen B. Neilson.