Reverse Mailbag: What Counsel Would You Give?
So, I asked him if I could change the names and omit some details and ask you what you think—hence, a “reverse mailbag.”
Particularly if you are an “older pastor,” we would love to know what counsel you would give this brother. Use the comment section. And—WARNING—we will delete any replies that are problematic, unedifying, or just too longwinded.
However, if you think you have something concise and useful for everyone, we would love to hear it. Without further adieu, here is the question I received:
Brother,
I’m experiencing some discouragement right now. For the past two years since coming to this church, I haven’t changed much (nothing significant, anyways) and haven’t really pushed back on much. In particular, I’ve stayed away from the children’s ministry, not critiquing anything and signing off on all of it: kids musicals, VBS, the different youth groups (children, middle school, and high school. There have been times where those ministry leaders wanted help finding curriculum, so I offered help. But basically, I’ve only given input when asked.
My hope has been that, by spending several years focused on preaching the Word and loving people well, I’d build up credit for people to trust me on two fronts: they would trust my motives (that I love them and love Jesus), and they would trust my application of the Bible to particular situations.
Recently, I finally shared some concerns about a particular ministry in our church with that ministry’s leader. This leader is a friend who has spent more time with me and my family than anyone else. Yet this person effectively made it clear that I haven’t in fact built up any credit on those two fronts. When I voiced my concerns, the person said that I “seemed like a different person.” He/she said, “I just keep wondering, where’s the Jim I know?”
In other words, my original strategy of moving slowly and patiently and building trust has backfired. I thought I was building up credit, but what I’ve actually been doing is cementing my pastoral image as “No pushback, always agreeable Jim,” thus making it more difficult to make changes. Make sense?
Worse, I think I set myself up to look fake—that the “always agreeable” Jim was a fake—or as Paul says it, “double-tongued.” The elders have always known about my concerns, and they’ve known I’m trying to be patient, but the congregation doesn’t know that. Not only that, but several folks are now aware of how I pushed back on this particular ministry, which has in turn provoked an air of suspicion, such that they are watching for any further pushback from me. If I do, I will only confirm that fear that I am a “different pastor” than they have known for the past two years.
Any wisdom come to mind? What should I do? What should I have done?
—Jim
